How to Get a Girl in Four Easy Steps

Happy Black Thursday to all! I definitely did the right thing and decked myself out in black dress pants, black collared shirt, a black tie, a black belt, and black shoes. It's the only way to roll.

Sometime today I had an epiphany (Smee would say an apostraphe). Girls do not date nice guys.

It's true. You know it's true and it's sad. So today we will talk about how to get a girl.

Step 1: Be very sneaky and manipulative. Make sure that the way you win her heart is a decietful one. They seem to like this. The more elaborate the lie, the more likely they are to believe it, the more likely they are to agree to the first date.

Step 2: Treat her like she is just an object. This seems to be something that works very well. It is unbelievable how many people will date a girl based on looks alone. Of course, this is where deciet comes in a little more. Make sure you lie to her and tell her that the reason you care so much about her is because of the way she laughs, looks at you, makes you smile, all those sappy reasons that you don't believe. They love to hear that.

Step 3: Make sure you hang out with other girls behind her back. Keep your options open. You never know when something better may come along and you have to be ready to snatch up that opportunity when the moment arises. Keep your cell phone filled with other girls phone numbers. You need to have a backup plan once you get bored of her. Of course, cheating is a forgivable sin for many girls, so if this is something you feel the need for, go right ahead. She'll never know, and if she finds out she won't care, and if she does care, your cell phone is full of other options!

Step 4: When things start going bad, lie. Always lie. Lying is stellar for making a relationship draw out for a longer time. This will enable you with enough time to get what you want, and then throw it away.

Well, there it is. I'm telling you, that's how girls often get treated. And yet they stay. And overlook the nice guy, who quite frankly, doesn't care to stoop to this level. But he will allow to be treaded on whenever the opportunity arises.

It's Balian, ya'll, and that's all I have to say about that.

Valentine's Day: The Conspiracy

Let's talk about Valentine's Day... Okay, I'll talk about Valentine's Day, you'll take my opinion, and if you don't like it...you're one of those people who sucks.

Basically Valentine's Day was created by Hershey's, Hallmark, and florists. I am completely convinced that one day the candy, card, and flower industries all got together, noticed that profits had taken a plunge, and then went on an evil crusade to create another commercial holiday. Thus Valentine's day was born, and with it came the happy people, the indifferent, and the angry/bitter.

Uh-oh, profits are down. Let's create a holiday to boost candy sales.

It's a bloody conspiracy!

Not to mention also possibly one of the most hated days on the calender, second only to February 29th (created by Universities for an extra day of classes). Remember in Kindergarten when your teacher told you to bring Valentines to class? You brought them, even made a special one for the girl you had a crush on since you entered the classroom the first time... And then she comes in and gives one to each of her classmates.

Except you!

Now I know how the grinch must have felt. Honestly, this holiday is pointless. Just another day for rejection... Let's face it, Valentine's Day is an unhealthy holiday. Spikes in cardiovascular failures and suicides are caused yearly by candy-clogged arteries and broken hearts. This is a holiday that should be done away with.

Maybe I will sing a different tune someday...until then, I'm riding with the conspiracy theory.